🌙Need this t-shirt🌙
So another day of putting on a brave face, a happy face. All I seem to do lately is vent on here, mainly because I don’t really have anyone on here so I feel I can semi talk about how I’m feeling and not get people I know, reading it, asking questions etc. Just seems to be one thing after another. Just when you think the day is going to be semi bearable, something crops up that just takes you right back down. I’ve always thought that I, myself, was a pretty strong person. Lately this view on myself has changed. I’m not strong, I want to be but it’s just too much effort and energy. What little energy I have from day to day is spent on pretending I’m okay.
I just want to be better than I am. I’m not expecting to change over night, to feel completely enlightened all of a sudden, I know there will always be those dark days from time to time.
I just want to have more brighter days, days where I don’t have to pretend everything is okay, just be myself and that be the happy, smiley, fun me with no effort.
Hopefully over time I’ll get there, the brighter will become more frequent than the darker.
It’s all I have to hope for just now, so hope I shall.
So, I’m finally starting to admit to myself, I’m not okay.
I haven’t been for a long time, I’ve been so focused on making others happy, being there for them, just everyone’s needs before mine but I’m finally starting to see it.
I’ve always put on this happy, brave and fun face because that’s what people think I am, that guy that wants to hang out and party, listen to everyone’s problems and help out as much as possible.
Lately I’ve began struggling to be that person to people, day in, day out. It’s began to take it’s toll on me but I keep doing it because I don’t want people to see the real me. The me that goes home, sits in my room and cries almost every night, doesn’t know how life is going to get any better, doesn’t want to get out of bed for anything or anyone. The me that’s sat and actually thought, “you know what, maybe this would all be easier if I just closed my eyes and didn’t wake up.”.
I don’t talk to people about this or let them in because I don’t want to be treated differently, I don’t want them to pity me, to feel sorry for me, to coddle me. I want them to continue treating me the way they do but it’s never like that. They always have a slightly different look in their eyes when they see you.
So I’m trying to do something about it, I’m trying to admit to myself, I have a problem that’s not going to go away. I need help and I’m going to have to finally pour my heart out to someone. This scares me so much, more than I thought it would but I still need to do it, for me.